How to Be Less Defensive

D!-FENCE!: Who among us enjoys having their mistakes pointed out? Correct: No one. It’s natural for us to take a defensive position when we’re being challenged. We might feel hurt, embarrassed, or even fearful. The problem is, defensiveness isn’t productive for either party and can often make things worse. But there are some concrete ways you can work to turn down your knee-jerk defensiveness and respond more productively and less emotionally. 

The Upside Of Letting Down Your Defenses: Being defensive when we feel like we’re being criticized or judged can shut down our ability to listen and have open communication. When we’re consumed with our own feelings, we don’t really hear the other person, which can cause fissures in relationships. That self-protection can override our inner filter, resulting in us blurting out something we might regret. 

How to Do It: Defensiveness happens practically automatically, but pausing before reacting is important. This allows us to fully hear and process what the other person is saying before responding. Approach the conversation from a place of curiosity and open-mindedness: Is any part of what they’re saying accurate? Why are they saying it? Most likely, they’re pointing out a behavior or a belief — not criticizing you entirely — for a desire for a better outcome.